My biggest goal. Good question, Anon :3 honestly, I know what my biggest goal is, and it’s something that has changed and sort of matured over the years. 

I really honestly want to live my life in hopes that somehow, I’ll leave a thumb print on the Earth. I’ve wanted that since I was a little girl, but when I was younger I didn’t really know how I wanted to do that. I saw this Christina Aguilera concert when I was about ten or eleven, and when I saw her up on that stage with such a huge audience and dancers and a band… that was what I thought I wanted it to be. My dream… fame. To be famous, and to have everyone know my name. But I guess that dream has sort of changed and matured for me over time. 

Yes, I still want to be a musician. I don’t think I’ll ever let that go, but what I want to do with my music is different. My goal isn’t fame. My goal is to help people. To affect people… to say that when I die, at least one person’s life was changed because I was there to help them. I never loved myself at all until this year. The first 19 years of my life I hated myself, and honestly… I found a way out of that. And I want to help other people out of it too. I want to meet people. Affect them. Show them that it’s okay to be you and to express yourself, and be who you are no matter what. No matter how different you think you are, or even if you aren’t all that different, I want everyone to be themselves, and to love themselves. I want to help people be happy and learn how to smile when everything has been taken from them. I want to put smiles on people’s faces again. And not for one night, not just because I gave them an awesome show or they had a fun time at a concert, because it isn’t about me. I don’t want it to be about me, I want it to be about other people. Because there’s a lot more of you than me. And if I can somehow influence or help to change someone’s distorted perception of themselves into a good one, that is all I could ask for. I used to think fame and glitz and glam was going to be the mark I left on the world. But then I realized, that stuff fades. Fame doesn’t really last forever. If I were to get really successful and to be able to help people on a bigger scale with my music because I got lucky, I would be so grateful for that. But Fame isn’t my goal. I do what I do because I love doing it with all my heart. Fame should never be the goal… because fame is relative. It’s an illusion. You can walk down the street dressing and carrying yourself like a star with some guys walking around you like your guards and you would be surprised how many people think you are a superstar. Helping people is my goal. And by helping people, I mean helping them find themselves, and wake up from the torture and the dark hell they’ve lived through in their lives to finally meet the light, and finally know what happiness feels like. Finally know what it feels like to love yourself and how much you can do with your life the second you do. That is my purpose. That is what I want to do. 

…This is a really good one, Anon. Of course I’ll do this.

Dear Girls Who Are Going Through What I Am Going Through,

You are strong. You are fighters. You are skinny enough. You are good enough. And you can get yourself out of that dark place. I know it doesn’t seem like that right now. I know what your mind is telling you. I know it’s telling you to keep going because you don’t deserve better, to keep going because you aren’t there yet, to keep going because you aren’t good enough or skinny enough or pretty enough. But here is me telling you, wherever you are, whatever you might be crying about each night, that it’s going to be get better. But when I say that, I really, really mean it. But there’s a key part to that being true. And that key part is, you have to believe. You have to believe in hope and happiness, and so many things that sometimes feel like they don’t exist. You have to believe happiness and happy endings and love are possible, and have blind faith. You have to be brave. 

I know it’s easier said than done. I know you’re gonna wanna crawl back into that dark place sometimes and sometimes that dark place is going to seem a lot safer than being brave. But you also have to know that it’s normal. It’s normal to want to hide in your dark place. And sometimes, it’s okay to want to hide there. You don’t need to hate yourself for wanting that because it’s what your mind is telling you. You don’t need to hate yourself because you have a problem or be scared of what people think, as terrifying as this stuff is sometimes. All you need to do, is tell yourself that YOU, yourself, can get out of this. YOU can fight this. YOU can destroy all of the demons in your head. And sometimes they might want to creep up on you. You might get out of that dark place for a long time, and suddenly, it all tries to come back. But if you keep fighting, keep putting up your arrms on the inside of your mind, I promise, I ABSOLUTELY promise, you are going to be okay.

I’ll say this again, because I know you don’t necessarily believe it, and you don’t hear it enough.

You are good enough. You are beautiful. You are skinny. And you are loved. Want to know why? Because you are loved by ME. And no matter who you are, what you feel like you have a problem with, or where you come from… I will always listen. On Anon, off Anon.  Some people believe in having an ego. I believe in having a heart. And my heart goes out to all of you.

Keep fighting. You’ll get there. Trust. And baby steps.

-Torrey.